(Image courtesy of Su Yen)
Now the petals are falling. Evening has come. The sun has set, the night will take over. The death has come, the petals are falling towards the earth. They don't hesitate. They don't know where they are going, they don't know whether there is an earth down there or not - maybe it is a bottomless abyss - but they don't doubt, they don't hesitate.
(...) Petals falling, fluttering down towards the earth. Simply trust - do not the petals flutter down just like that? & everything - God, moksha, nirvana - everything, I say to you, becomes possible.
Just trust. Just like that.
- Osho -
When I was in Rishikesh last year, I wrote this:
After ten months, here I am again!
Although my beloved Rishikesh is not the same, & the Ganga is much more ferocious than when I first met her, I am learning a lot about myself this trip.
Sometimes you need to remove yourself from your usual environment to check in with yourself as to where you are in life. What is important to you? Who are the people who matter? Are you living the life you want? Are you living *at all*?
One question I always thought I knew the answer to is, 'What do you want to be?' I'm very glad to report that nowadays I'm very sure that I don't know what I want to be. It was a soft voice, but has grown loud & strong. 'I don't know.' It is one of the most beautiful statements in life.
I never would have imagined I would have this life. So how should I know what I want to be, what I should be? All I know is that the Universe has my back, & I'm excited to see what the future holds!
Hair drier, skin two tones darker, feet dirtier, sweaty & sticky in the monsoon weather; yet these are among the happiest days of my life. Words cannot even begin to express how I feel.
Ganga Maaya Ki Jai!
Most of the time, I'm gobsmacked at how my life has turned out. & it continues to stun me what the Universe has planned for me.
However, this 'not knowing' isn't always easy! The ego always wants that false sense of security, of being in control, of knowing not only the final destination but also the route, the possible detours, the weather forecast, ETA, yadda yadda yadda.
Then, 'not knowing' starts becoming a frightening thing.
'What am I going to do?'
'What about my plans?'
What do I want in life? This question has been making its rounds in my mind ever since those days in Rishikesh. Sometimes, it is easy to say, 'I don't know'. But other times, it is a struggle surrendering to the Universe.
This fear is all too familiar. Yet it is a unique & new experience in its own right. Throughout the day, it goes from one end of the spectrum to the other. One minute my tears are tears of happiness & gratitude, the next they are of fear & sadness. Sometimes, they are both at the same time.
I don't know.
I am just observing these things, coming & going. Observing the emotions, observing my clinging to them, observing my letting go of them...
I don't always know what I want in life.
But I do know what I want from life.
I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to be around people who are roaring mad & have a zest for life. I want to experience life in its entirety. I want to be me, & not have to be apologetic nor ashamed about it.
It would be nice to have someone to share the journey with. But it is equally wonderful to have the freedom of not being answerable to anyone.
Feck, I don't know. I don't know a shit about anything. Yet I know a few things. That must count for something, right?
Fast forward almost a year later, & I am still experiencing those same sentiments. The fear is still very much there, but I can say that I surrender more easily now. It still scares the shit out of me that I don't fit into the idea of what an adult is (well, the version that I grew up believing in, anyways). Sometimes I wonder if The Mother was right: 'How long can you be a hippy for?' Damn. Just typing those words makes everything seem so surreal.
But by & by, it has been shown to me that I cannot work purely for money. The last time I did, I got stomped on the foot by a horse & it took me months to recover. Lesson learnt.
However, the Universe is a benevolent one. It always provides when necessary. I remember the time before I'd ever been to India. We were planning to attend Teacher Training in Rishikesh. I had quit my day job few months earlier, & being a fairly new yoga teacher, did not have many classes. So afraid of not having enough cash to pay for the course, I avoided the matter altogether until the last minute - taking out the envelope of money containing all the class payments I'd received, nervously counting them all...the grand total came to just about RM200 more than I needed. I'll never forget that moment when I clutched those goddamn paper notes to my chest & wept like a biatch. Bahahahahah!
I'm not a business-minded person. I can't brain money, politics, sales, networking, branding & what-not. But miraculously, things always work out in the end. & I am extremely blessed that to have crossed paths with people who help me along the way. I believe that people are inherently good, & are willing to share or help out in whatever way they can; but of course don't expect them to run through hell & back all the time lah...that one melampau batas loh (crossing the line)..! Either through emotional/mental support, sharing of experiences, sharing of food (om nom noms!), etc...each & every form of assistance is a blessing. & I hope to be able to return the favour(s), & pay it forward whenever necessary.
By the way, today Facebook told me that I made 100 friends in the past year. Mindfuck. How is that even humanly possible???
Image from www.introvertdoodles.com
So what am I actually doing here in this world, in this lifetime? Maybe it is to share my journey? It feels narcissistic to think so. It seems scary. Because who am I to discuss philosophy? Will I be able to handle the fact that my viewpoints will piss at least one person off? Will the future me look back on everything & cringe in shame?
I don't know.
But what I do know is that being vulnerable is necessary. It is so much easier to show the real you than to hide behind a mask all the time. Showing my real self, I've found true friends. Showing my real self, I've had people tell me how much my writing helped them through a rough patch in life. Being 100% is freedom.
I find that I can't forgo the things that my heart beats for. I cannot deny the things which remain, even as the days go by, even as other things come & go. The things which stubbornly cling to me, although I try to shake them off or distract myself with other things. Although these things may seem foolish or even crazy, even to myself, I cannot deny them any longer. It's true, sometimes I myself can't make sense out of things, & I wonder if I am truly going bonkers. Quite scary-fying lah. Huhuhu...but what to do?
I think I've had enough of playing small. I've gained this much so far, let's see what the Universe will bring now. ;) ;) ;)
Ee Lee is a yoga teacher based in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. She is an animal lover & may just kidnap your beloved animal friends so keep them safe when she visits your home! She is passionate about philosophy & the arts, & when she is not hiding in her cave, can be found randomly baltering, inspecting unassuming everyday objects, or instigating shenanigans.