The dreams have started again. As usual, most of the time I cannot remember them. But I would wake up with that sinking feeling in my whole being, which told me it was not a pleasant dream. However, a few days ago, while floating in between the realms of consciousness & sleep, I saw a huge wave of water come crashing through the windows of my room. In those mere moments, I knew there was no escape, that death was imminent. I felt my chest tighten up at the anticipation of drowning, & my heart beat quicken at the thought of what suffering & uncertainty lay ahead. I woke up even before the water touched me, but it was so vivid & shocking that it stayed with me for quite some time after that. Maybe it's because I've been too gung-ho about all this 'dying to the self' shiz? It's becoming more & more apparent that I'm not in control of anything, not even myself sometimes. There have been more things which have been added to my 'things I do not want' bucket, but at the same time, who's to know whether those things will one day be needed again? It sounds wishy-washy, like I don't stand for anything in life. But at the same time, it has constantly been shown to me that there is some higher power at work. There's a Malay saying which goes, 'Manusia hanya boleh merancang, tetapi Tuhan yang menentukan segalanya' (humans can only plan, but God decides everything). Oh bloody oath! The signs, the messages, they are all too clear nowadays, so much so that it frightens me. & it's a big lesson in letting go too. Sometimes I try to go against them, but I know that the results won't turn out well. Not to say that all desires are bad though. Some roadblocks happen to test if I really want it or not, or as a bigger life lesson. I can't really explain how one would differentiate between the 'no you're not supposed to be doing this' roadblock & the 'let's see how badly you want it' roadblock; you just know. Somehow, I feel that this year I will have to do a lot of surrendering, & a lot of dying. I know I've 'died-ed' many times before, & that rebirth is always such a beautiful experience. But it still scares the shit out of me every time. & I suspect that I have never fully 128% surrendered at any one time, that somehow, a tiny part of me always resisted. (If you know who the artist of this magnificent art piece is, please let me know so I can give due credit)
Indeed, it has become an even lonelier journey now. It makes me very sad, but I know I have to see this through. I need this time for myself. Funny, before I signed up for Yoga Teacher Training in 2014, I had a conversation with my first yoga teacher, Wendy. I had asked her opinion as to whether I should sign up for Yoga Teacher Training here in KL. When she replied my Facebook message, I was driving out of the racecourse & I stopped by the side of the road, anxious to know her reply. I remember this particular statement: 'No one will understand you, you don't need anyone to understand you'. That brought tears to my eyes. & although it is the truth, it still brings tears to my eyes. Dafuq. 3 years of practice & still like this, in this same shit? Come on, Ee Lee! Bahahahahah! There is a beautiful saying in Hindi: Jo bhi hota hai bhagwan ache ke liye krta hai (God has made something good in everything that happens to us) One word which has been appearing regularly nowadays is 'grace'. & I have come to understand everything that has happened in this lifetime; even why I was born to this specific pair of parental units. I would not be here writing this today if not for the grace of God/the Universe, & all the people through which this grace has come flowing forth. I am infinitely grateful. It is one of the things which gives me strength to carry on. One catch though: although grace is always available, it is not always easy to trust & surrender to it. See how things have come full circle now, dear reader? Oh Beloved, take me. Liberate my soul. Fill me with your love and release me from the two worlds. If I set my heart on anything but you let fire burn me from inside. Oh Beloved, take away what I want. Take away what I do. Take away what I need. Take away everything that takes me from you. - Rumi - Here's to whatever is coming next.
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About Prabh LehriI am a yoga teacher based in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I am passionate about yoga as a form of healing on the physical, emotional & mental level. I have been on a yoga journey for almost a decade and have been formally sharing my experience in the last 4 years. Archives
December 2017
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